Day 10

Still feeling tired and groggy in the morning even with a decent breakfast. Oddly enough I've been getting jaw and headaches as well.

I've also noticed that within 30 minutes of taking the pill I'm fast asleep. BUT, not in a heavy deep sleep like other meds, just in a comfortable sleep.

On Sunday I took a large group of 30+ people on a long ride through the Big Bear loop (200+ miles). Normally I'd be worried if I was going to fast or to slow, when was the next turn. This time everything went well. Everyone said the pace was good and that they were keeping up just fine. I was able to relax, have fun, and enjoy the ride.

Day 7

I had a good nights sleep, however I woke up feeling groggy and slow again with back pain. Throughout the day I've gotten small but sharp headaches which seem to come and go.

I spent the morning writing code for the ocmoto icalendar which normally I would have given up after a short time. I managed to work through and figure out the basics. I ran into a few hurdles which I found myself finding creative solutions for.

I do feel that I spent to much time and I was very determined to finish so I found myself pressing on rather then leaving it.

I was writing the blog post for yesterday and found it difficult to recall some basic things. Whereas the beginning of week everything was easy to remember for a few days now I find it a bit difficult.

I have a similar feeling like I did before starting zoloft where I feel like the past days have been a blur and not much accomplished. Although, I do know thats not true and see some of the things I've done, I just don't like that I can't remember them as well as before.

I have a busy day ahead of me ensuring that the everything is prepared for the ocmoto BBQ, paying the bills, and helping my wife cook for our guests tonight.

Day 6

I'm writing this as it were 5/1:

I woke up feeling real tired and sluggish. I've been starting to get some muscle soreness and pains in my leg as well as slight headaches.

After dropping my wife of at work I had to go to Aliso Viejo. On the way back I hit traffic which normally I would have gotten very frustrated and taken side streets. I instead waited patiently and eventually got home.

Soon as I got home I proceeded to clean the bathroom and mop the kitchen. I felt very sluggish and slow.

After cleaning I say down and worked on my business plan then moved on to finishing my action items for ocmoto.

Time flew and I didn't even notice it was 312PM and I had to go pickup my wife. We went straight to the mall to look for mothers day gifts and an early dinner. As before I felt alot more calm and just enjoyed my time being out.

I did however also notice that I am feeling a bit more sensitive and taking things to seriously sometimes. My wife would make a comment and I would take it as an insult and get bogged down over it. I'm not sure why, but I was being more serious then usual.

Day 5

I had a strange dream where I and group of my friends were riding our motorcycles. I caused a crash that left everyone horribly injured and a few dead, yet I wasn't hurt at all. Thats all I remember.

Other than that weird dream, a normal day as usual. Woke up and took the dogs for a walk. A bit shorter then usual. I wasn't tired just felt lazy. I came home and got all my materials ready for my meeting with the SCORE counselor. I ironed my clothes and left at about 830.

I spent about 5 minutes looking for my portfolio in the garage which I found barrier underneath a stack of papers. Normally I would have looked for 15 minutes and probably never find anything. I didn't stress at all, just stayed calm and kept looking.

Parking was a whole new experience to as I just parked without caring how close I was to the elevator. Normally I would go through a few floors only checking by the elevator before giving up.

I met with the SCORE counselor which was again a whole new experience. He was an older guy in his late 50s (I'm guessing). Normally people can barely understand when I talk and regularly ask me to repeat things. However this guy never once asked and seemed to understand everything I was saying. I was making sure to speak slowly and articulate my words which came easy. I was surprised how much we were able to get through and how well I understood and remembered his comments when I got home.

Normally when I would look at my notes after a meeting I would spend some time trying to remember and relate the note. Not this time as I clearly remembered the points he made and sections he commented on.

I then went on to write the Profit/Loss and some other spreadsheets which came at a breeze. When I tried to due them last week I barely got past the first column before getting overwhelmed with information, a headache, and giving up.

Again, so far a good day. I'm again surprised how different everyday things are. And not only different but much better.

Day 4 Night

I helped my wife cook her lunch for her potluck at work, then we made my lunch for the next day.

We went out to the mall and to watch a comedy show. It was a funny night and much better then any other time I've gone in the past. I was able to sit and concentrate, listen to the jokes, and not over think things.

Our friends decided to sit in the front row which normally would have been horrible as the comics pick on the people in the front row. Before I would get nervous and not be able to talk or reply back. I would often get nervous and blurt out stupid comments trying to be funny.

This time one of the comics actually called me on stage and used me for one of his skits. I wasn't nervous at all and aside from slouching because I was much taller then everyone on stage I was calm and relaxed.

We came home, I finished preparing my lunch and went to sleep.

Overall a fun night that ended with a good nights sleep.

Opinions and Controversy

I'm sure people will read this blog and say "so, why should I care." If you are that person then this blog isn't for you. It's not really for anyone but myself so that I can keep a detailed log of my thoughts.

I've decided to make the blog public and share this with people hoping that maybe there are other people out their either on Zoloft, considering it, or opposed to it. I hope that people that are on it read my experiences and can relate as maybe they've had similar experiences. For those considering it, I hope that this gives you a different perspective from the materials that our out there and a more real world take on the effects of this drug.

Now, for those opposed to it, I can see their points, but obviously they're not on it so they can't relate. Yes, Zoloft is a drug, and even though its considered non-habit forming the user is still reliant on the drug, for how long I don't know. Also, I hope those opposed read this and see the benefits or downsides of this drug has in a real world non clinical environment.

The hardest part for me when making this public was what if people I know read this. Well, for those people, I don't seek sympathy but understanding. For those that I have turned off in the past because of my behavior that you give me another shot. I also want to be honest with my friends so that they know what's going on. I believe that if I'm honest with others I'll be honest with myself and accept that taking this medication is helping and that there's nothing wrong with taking it as its only bettering who I am as a person.

Another thing, being unemployed I wonder if an employer would read this. Well besides the legalities behind it I hope that said employer will see the fact that I'm not hiding my problems but rather facing them head first and doing whatever it takes to correct that problem, or in this case behavior.

I think if anything, taking Zoloft has improved my overall quality of life, and if thats not enough reason for you, I don't know what is.

Day 4

So far the days been good. After a long 50 minute walk and run with the dogs I came home, did my normal hour or so on ocmoto reviewing and posting. Spent another hour or so cleaning up the Beacon website and moved on to starting this Blog.

I'm amazed at home much I can focus, not only on coding but on everything in general. I would have never been able to sit in one place for so long writing out my thoughts and memories.

I'm also amazed at how much memory I have of the past couple of days. Normally my day would have been so hectic that I would only remember important details that I found important.

Another thing that I'm ecstatic about is the fact that I'm not tired. Sure I'm a bit drowsy from a busy day, but nothing more than normal. Over the last couple of days there have been many situations where I would have been so tired I would have just fallen asleep. But now I don't.

Apparently my speech has also slowed to a normal level as I haven't found people asking me to repeat things or slow down. I have to take their word for now until I can record myself.

Day 3 | 4/28

Monday 4/28 - recalling as best as I can

The day started off as normal with my 30-40 min walk with the dogs around the neighborhood. I normally watch my podcasts while walking so there wasn't really much of a difference there. It was a bit easier to pay attention to the dogs, walking, and the show I was watching.

I proceeded my day as normal. Finished up my business plan I'd been writing for over a month. Did some research on financing. I spent my usual hour on ocmoto and then moved on to working on a site I'm building for my wife's school.

I had finished up the basics of the site last week and was now moving on to creating the code that drives some of the dynamic content on the site. I was easily able to solve problems that I came across and easily finding workarounds to different issues. Aside from a small date formatting issue I couldn't wrap my head around I was able to leave it and move on. Normally I could spend hours neglecting basic needs such as lunch trying to resolve one issue.

I closed up everything related to the site and went to City hall to reserve a park we needed for an upcoming event. When I got there I was asked to fill out some forms. Normally I would read all the fine print and nit pick about every item several times over annoying the clerk. This time however I read over it, understood it, signed, and moved on. I paid the $30 fee, got my receipt and went home.

I got home around 2pm and went on to tidy up the house. I quickly put things away and was accomplished alot before my wife got home at about 330pm. We went out for lunch at the park, got ice-cream, went to two malls, stopped for a drink and some nachos. Overall it was a great night filled with plenty of conversation and sparks.

I felt so much more aware of things and wasn't so finicky as usual. We were at the shoe store where normally I'd immediately assume that my wife was gonna buy every shoe she looked at and would start working out if we could afford those shoes. I would often even go as far as checking the price of the phone online with my phone regardless of how slow it was.

Once we got home we took a quick shower, started watching American Dad but fell asleep again. I again found it a bit difficult to fall asleep but after watching a few minutes of one of my podcasts I fell right asleep.

Day 2| 4/27

Recalling the weekend to the best I can.

Sunday 4/20-
We started the day off early (7AM) going to Ralphs to buy groceries for breakfast. It was nice to walk to walk through the store fairly calm with my mind focused on what we needed to buy and how much we could spend without my mind racing off trying to calculate every item and thinking if it was cheaper somewhere else.

After making breakfast we continued our day. My mom left for a little while at which time my wife and I prepared lunch. Again, the calm was so nice as I wasn't worried about the itty bitty details of the grill, cooking times ect... I laid out briquettes, let the flames die down, and laid out the poultry. I simply went back every 10 min or so to check on the chicken. Normally I would be so worried about burring the food that I would end up over or under cooking the food. But this time everything turned out perfect with only 1 skewer a bit undercooked.

After lunch we went on to my fathers and went out with him for desert. I was able to pickup on most of the Spanish conversation he was having with my wife. Overall it was a great time as normally my mind would wonder off and I would start analyzing or thinking about new ideas.

The drive home was again very nice and calm as I was able to hold a conversation with my wife all the way home.

Once we got home we watched a bit of Horton Hears a Who and fell right asleep. After about 20 min my wife woke me up and we went to bed. I took my pill and got into bed. I found it a bit difficult to sleep as I didn't feel tired. My mind wasn't racing but I wasn't tired either. I got my iPhone, watched Tekzilla and fell right asleep.

Day 1| 4/26

Recalling the weekend to the best I can.

Saturday 4/19-
The day started of with a long drive to see family in Los Angeles (referred to as LA from now on). I have a general disgust for LA for many reasons that alone could fill up an entire blog so I'll leave that for now. First thing I noticed on the drive was how much more focused I was on the road and the conversation I was having with my wife. Before my mind would race watching every building and store trying to understand what there business could be, how many people they employed, ect. Obviously this was somewhat dangerous as I wouldn't have 100% attention to the road and I was always distracted. On top of that I would have a conversation with my wife which I wanted to pay attention to.

So after the long drive we finally arrived at my mother's house for breakfast. Again my mind was more calm and focused then ever and I was able to carry out a conversation. When my mother said something I disagreed with it was so much easier to keep my mouth shut and let it be.

After a long afternoon and lunch we took an hour nap. I slept better then ever and fell asleep right away. Before it would take me at least 30 min to fall asleep regardless of how tired I was. We awoke from the nap and watched The Kite Runner.

It was like I had never watched a movie before. Not only was 90% of the movie subtitled but I was able to pay so much more attention to the plot line and character twists. Before I would watch a movie and like on the freeway look at every possible detail to understand it. I would look at the buildings and look for hints weather they were sets on a sound stage or shot on location. I would pay more attention to what characters were doing in the background, ect... Needless to say, it was a great movie and a real eye opening. I was able to easily stay awake throughout the movie, whereas normally I'd be fighting the feeling to sleep.

We then went out for a walk, which again felt like a whole new experience as I was able to enjoy the scenery without my mind racing. I was able to pay attention to the conversation my wife and mother were having without getting distracted or spacing out. Aside from getting fixed on finding an address I received in an email I was fine.

I was checking my email while we were walking (not the best idea, I know) when a friend emailed me a name of a park in Anaheim. I immediately had to find it. And although it would not come up in google maps or online I was persistent. Once I found the parks address it still did not come up in google maps. My wife noticed my frustration and quickly asked me to stop and pay attention to the sidewalk in front of us.

We came home from the walk, took a shower, and watch TV for a bit before having dinner. I helped my mom for a bit as we stayed up. We ended up going to bed at nearly 2am.