Day 10

Still feeling tired and groggy in the morning even with a decent breakfast. Oddly enough I've been getting jaw and headaches as well.

I've also noticed that within 30 minutes of taking the pill I'm fast asleep. BUT, not in a heavy deep sleep like other meds, just in a comfortable sleep.

On Sunday I took a large group of 30+ people on a long ride through the Big Bear loop (200+ miles). Normally I'd be worried if I was going to fast or to slow, when was the next turn. This time everything went well. Everyone said the pace was good and that they were keeping up just fine. I was able to relax, have fun, and enjoy the ride.

Day 7

I had a good nights sleep, however I woke up feeling groggy and slow again with back pain. Throughout the day I've gotten small but sharp headaches which seem to come and go.

I spent the morning writing code for the ocmoto icalendar which normally I would have given up after a short time. I managed to work through and figure out the basics. I ran into a few hurdles which I found myself finding creative solutions for.

I do feel that I spent to much time and I was very determined to finish so I found myself pressing on rather then leaving it.

I was writing the blog post for yesterday and found it difficult to recall some basic things. Whereas the beginning of week everything was easy to remember for a few days now I find it a bit difficult.

I have a similar feeling like I did before starting zoloft where I feel like the past days have been a blur and not much accomplished. Although, I do know thats not true and see some of the things I've done, I just don't like that I can't remember them as well as before.

I have a busy day ahead of me ensuring that the everything is prepared for the ocmoto BBQ, paying the bills, and helping my wife cook for our guests tonight.

Day 5

I had a strange dream where I and group of my friends were riding our motorcycles. I caused a crash that left everyone horribly injured and a few dead, yet I wasn't hurt at all. Thats all I remember.

Other than that weird dream, a normal day as usual. Woke up and took the dogs for a walk. A bit shorter then usual. I wasn't tired just felt lazy. I came home and got all my materials ready for my meeting with the SCORE counselor. I ironed my clothes and left at about 830.

I spent about 5 minutes looking for my portfolio in the garage which I found barrier underneath a stack of papers. Normally I would have looked for 15 minutes and probably never find anything. I didn't stress at all, just stayed calm and kept looking.

Parking was a whole new experience to as I just parked without caring how close I was to the elevator. Normally I would go through a few floors only checking by the elevator before giving up.

I met with the SCORE counselor which was again a whole new experience. He was an older guy in his late 50s (I'm guessing). Normally people can barely understand when I talk and regularly ask me to repeat things. However this guy never once asked and seemed to understand everything I was saying. I was making sure to speak slowly and articulate my words which came easy. I was surprised how much we were able to get through and how well I understood and remembered his comments when I got home.

Normally when I would look at my notes after a meeting I would spend some time trying to remember and relate the note. Not this time as I clearly remembered the points he made and sections he commented on.

I then went on to write the Profit/Loss and some other spreadsheets which came at a breeze. When I tried to due them last week I barely got past the first column before getting overwhelmed with information, a headache, and giving up.

Again, so far a good day. I'm again surprised how different everyday things are. And not only different but much better.

Day 4 Night

I helped my wife cook her lunch for her potluck at work, then we made my lunch for the next day.

We went out to the mall and to watch a comedy show. It was a funny night and much better then any other time I've gone in the past. I was able to sit and concentrate, listen to the jokes, and not over think things.

Our friends decided to sit in the front row which normally would have been horrible as the comics pick on the people in the front row. Before I would get nervous and not be able to talk or reply back. I would often get nervous and blurt out stupid comments trying to be funny.

This time one of the comics actually called me on stage and used me for one of his skits. I wasn't nervous at all and aside from slouching because I was much taller then everyone on stage I was calm and relaxed.

We came home, I finished preparing my lunch and went to sleep.

Overall a fun night that ended with a good nights sleep.

Opinions and Controversy

I'm sure people will read this blog and say "so, why should I care." If you are that person then this blog isn't for you. It's not really for anyone but myself so that I can keep a detailed log of my thoughts.

I've decided to make the blog public and share this with people hoping that maybe there are other people out their either on Zoloft, considering it, or opposed to it. I hope that people that are on it read my experiences and can relate as maybe they've had similar experiences. For those considering it, I hope that this gives you a different perspective from the materials that our out there and a more real world take on the effects of this drug.

Now, for those opposed to it, I can see their points, but obviously they're not on it so they can't relate. Yes, Zoloft is a drug, and even though its considered non-habit forming the user is still reliant on the drug, for how long I don't know. Also, I hope those opposed read this and see the benefits or downsides of this drug has in a real world non clinical environment.

The hardest part for me when making this public was what if people I know read this. Well, for those people, I don't seek sympathy but understanding. For those that I have turned off in the past because of my behavior that you give me another shot. I also want to be honest with my friends so that they know what's going on. I believe that if I'm honest with others I'll be honest with myself and accept that taking this medication is helping and that there's nothing wrong with taking it as its only bettering who I am as a person.

Another thing, being unemployed I wonder if an employer would read this. Well besides the legalities behind it I hope that said employer will see the fact that I'm not hiding my problems but rather facing them head first and doing whatever it takes to correct that problem, or in this case behavior.

I think if anything, taking Zoloft has improved my overall quality of life, and if thats not enough reason for you, I don't know what is.

Day 4

So far the days been good. After a long 50 minute walk and run with the dogs I came home, did my normal hour or so on ocmoto reviewing and posting. Spent another hour or so cleaning up the Beacon website and moved on to starting this Blog.

I'm amazed at home much I can focus, not only on coding but on everything in general. I would have never been able to sit in one place for so long writing out my thoughts and memories.

I'm also amazed at how much memory I have of the past couple of days. Normally my day would have been so hectic that I would only remember important details that I found important.

Another thing that I'm ecstatic about is the fact that I'm not tired. Sure I'm a bit drowsy from a busy day, but nothing more than normal. Over the last couple of days there have been many situations where I would have been so tired I would have just fallen asleep. But now I don't.

Apparently my speech has also slowed to a normal level as I haven't found people asking me to repeat things or slow down. I have to take their word for now until I can record myself.